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Top Ten Reasons Not to Pejazzle or Scrotazzle

Silly boy, bling is for girls

Mornings in the Dahle house start out pretty much the same each day–My husband and I wake up, he goes to the kitchen and pours us both a cup of coffee, he brings the cups back to bed where we sit and enjoy our coffee while scanning through our iPhones. I generally check the weather and email while he always laughs his way through the list of articles on FARK. Yes I know he is way more exciting and fun then I am.

If you are a Farker, then you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you in the dark, check FARK out. This is a witty site where the readership submits real articles that are both funny and oddly notable news — and the not so notable news — of the day, write a caption summarizing the article and “tag” it, and then leave it to the world to ruthlessly ridicule and/or make fun of by way of the comment section. For some people, like my husband, these articles are read way before the real news is ever paid any attention. I happen to think that, along with the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and ESPN, it is his complete news source for current events.

Anyway, this morning, as usual, Jeff was sitting next to me chuckling. Then he says “you will love this caption–The Newest Trend, Pejazzling. Yes, those. Put there.” After I finished choking on my coffee, all I could say is “WTF!”

Apparently vajazzling has been so popular that now men are jumping on the bandwagon and decorating their nether region. Frightening, right? Honestly it reminds me of a comment I received on my “Vajazzle–Bedazzle What?” post which I have been saving because it deserved its own post. I just never thought it would lead to this. But here it is from my blogging buddy Radventures (BTW you should really check out his blog it is always the perfect solution when you need a good laugh):

“Dear Carrie,
After reading your post, I am envious. As a male, I have no female parts to playfully and attractively decorate. If I decided to come up with my own line of accessories, called Scrotazzling, would this make me less of a man? Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Sincerely,
A regular guy that just wants to spice up his nether regions”

Well Rad, I know it is a little late but here is my long-awaited response:

Dear Regular guy,

Apparently there are many parts on both the male and female body that can be bedazzled. But like you asked, will doing this “make you less of a man?” YES, YES and YES!!! If you did not catch how strongly I feel on the subject let me share my “Top Ten Reasons Not to Pejazzle or Scrotazzle” which I put together especially for you, some of which are borrowed from the understandably numerous comments on Fark. ;)

10) Do you really want to draw more attention to your penis/scrotum? Have you ever noticed that there are thousands of paintings, sculptures are artwork that focuses on the beauty of the female body–how often do you see artwork that focuses on your manhood? Not often, it’s because in general this is not a pretty part to look at. So please don’t try to cover that up with sparkle, it only makes it worse.

9) Who wants to be that aesthetician? Eyebrows, backs, bikini lines and now– a scrotum? I think not. Even my aesthetician who is a fantastic gay man would probably pass on this. Or, then again, maybe not.

8) Were you trying to be a Twighlight Groupie?  ”Hey baby, look, now I sparkle like Edward Cullen but with me the sparkle comes in the dark”–Yuck.

7) It is quite possible that you will be compared to “Liberace’s rhinestone-studded dildo.” Just my thoughts here but I am pretty sure that this is not a bonus if you are worried about your “manhood”.

6) Retro is in but disco dick is out. While this may complement your hairy chest, disco is not normally done in the nude. Check out my blog on “manscaping” and skip the disco dick look.

5) Do you really want to be called “Sparkle Dick?” You wouldn’t be the only one questioning your manhood. Seriously, no straight man would do this.

4) Studded is NOT for her pleasure. Ouch!! Let me think….hmmmmm….sex that hurts sounds fun to me. I guess if you are not looking to get any then have fun but if you are like any other man, you might get a bit lonely by playing sparkle king.

3) You will be laughed at. If my husband were to walk in drop his pants and wave around his sparkling fun, my laughing would be uncontrollable. And even better, if I were single and a man who was trying to get with me did this, I would start laughing, pull out my phone, videotape it and post it to YouTube so others could enjoy. Not a good idea gentlemen.

2) It won’t look the same after applied. Part of getting vajazzled is the attractive appearance–how does that work on a man’s body? If you are erect when applied what happens when you go flat? Or if you apply them when you are flaccid what happens when you get hard. Either way it is not a pretty look and it won’t look the way you expect it to.

1) It is a choking hazard. All I am going to say is the Heimlich really ruins the moment. ;)

Regular guy, I hope this answers your question and in the future please refer back to this post if you ever question bedazzling body parts again.

Sincerely,
~Carrie
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7 Responses to “Top Ten Reasons Not to Pejazzle or Scrotazzle”

  • Wow, your post makes mine look feeble. More power to you!

  • Plmbr1:

    Not me! I’m not putting bling on my thing!

  • Roy:

    Holy crow, Carrie…I didn’t know you had it in you! I’m not typically stunned into silence, but your response to my question was most worthy. It’s not often I’m asked, “Do you want to be called Sparkle Dick?” I was still processing that when I got to the end of the list, where you nonchalantly pointed out that scrotazzling is a choking hazard. Quite simply, this is the most outstanding thing I’ve seen in recent memory. Job well done:)

    Roy

    • Roy, Roy, Roy,

      I always have it in me I just keep it to myself most of the time–but I have been holding on to your comment for a while now (as you know) and waiting for the right moment to answer. It was just so fitting this morning when Jeff shared with me the Fark story about Pejazzling. I couldn’t help myself. Plus maybe just maybe there is a little (by little I actually mean a huge) part of me that likes a challenge and well my friend you do challenge me at times. :) Not to mention the fact that you are always full of humor and fun so I had to come up with something equally as interesting. ;)

      So please no scrotazzling. I may not know Mary, but I am guessing she would agree with me on this one.

      ~Carrie

  • Victoria:

    ROFLMAO—-I never thought about choking

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