Day to Day Woman

photographer: nuttakit, www.freedigitalphotos.net

We have all seen how Facebook and other social networking sites can benefit us. They connect us with the world allowing us to find friends, colleagues, family, and people with similar interests. So many new doors have opened with the development of social networking. As the saying goes, “How on earth did we stalk our exes, remember our co-workers’ birthdays, bug our friends, and play a rousing game of Scrabulous before Facebook?” We are all fortunate to have the this truly remarkable concept in our world today, or are we?

There is an ugly side to social networking. A side that many people do not want to accept. The saying above is often viewed as witty and humorous, but there is a scary truth to it. Facebook and other social networking sites have become a place for ex-spouses or former boy/girlfriends and any other disturbed person to seek you out and stalk you. These days when someone Googles your name, they can find you on every social network that you partake. If you are not careful with your privacy settings, those same people whom you do not want to view your personal information, pictures, thoughts, can see your site. Even if you are careful, they often find ways through friends, or friends of friends to gain access. It literally can become a nightmare–a nightmare I know all too well.

My husband and I have someone in our lives who spends way too much time Googling our names and searching for us online. This person has gone as far as obtaining information from mutual Facebook friends in order to harass us. No matter what I did to protect my Facebook page from this viewer (blocking them and making all of my information private except for to friends) she some how was able to gain access. My private thoughts (well as private as Facebook is), and the things that I wanted to share with my Facebook friends quickly became information for her to have. She used that information inappropriately and caused frustruation in our lives. I was at a loss and did not know how to continue enjoying the benefits of social networking without the intrusion from unwanted visitors.

Ultimately I had to make a decision. I had to decide if Social Networking was something I wanted in my life. With a lot of soul searching, I decided I did want to enjoy Facebook and other social and professional network applications. Personally I had found that the benefits were outweighing the nightmares.

Next, I had to decide how to set boundaries for both myself and others. When I say boundaries for myself, I mean I had to decide what types of things I would continue sharing and how far was I willing to go in this Internet-based world. Did I want the world to know who I was and all of my likes and dislikes? Or did I want to stay more vague with my posts and only allow a little insight into my life? If I shared a deeper side of myself, was I willing to allow our stalker to see that? At first thought, I in no way wanted anyone outside of my immediate circle of friends (not even the long list of Facebook friends) to know anything truly personal. I did not want our stalker intruding. So I immediately took action. I reviewed my list of friends and began deleting any and all friends who had a mutual relationship with our stalker. Although I did take the time to email them all explaining that I cared for them and did not want to ‘un-friend’ them; however, I needed to remove any direct contact with this person. I also explained that I was not upset that they chose to be friends with this person–this was their choice and I would not ask them to remove her as their friend. If they chose to delete her, then I would gladly add them back as a friend and things would go on as they always had. If they chose to keep her or do nothing, that was fine too. Facebook is not the only way to connect with true friends and family. Remember there is a thing called the telephone or even email works. For me, this was the solution I thought I needed.

I had set up boundaries for both myself and for others. I created a social networking world that worked for me. Then after time, I changed a little. I found a larger need to expand my professional social network. This made me rethink my boundaries. I still feel guarded with the things I choose to share in posts, but I have found that when someone wants to know your business they find a way. Why then do I need to change my ways? Actually, I need to change my way of thinking, and that is exactly what I have done.

Now I still keep Facebook page private, but I have many other social networking accounts that aren’t so private. I have decided that if my stalker chooses to google me and search for any and everything I do, so be it. She can read all she wants and send her friends to my pages. I don’t care any longer. In fact, it only benefits me. The more traffic she sends through my websites, the better it is for me.

Stalkers are not the only cause to social networking nightmares. They can be from friends, Facebook friends, and family, as well. Recently high school top football recruit C.J. Johnson signed off of Facebook due to “living a nightmare.” He was constantly harassed and falsely accused. While schools from all over the country were recruiting and hoping that he would choose them, other schools and affiliates were claiming that his family had improper ties to another school. They were trying to make it appear as if he was wrongly choosing a specific school to attend. ”I saw rumors on the Internet with people saying I de-committed from Mississippi State because my momma has been working for this Ole Miss guy and she cleaned his house up for a year and she made $100,000,” Johnson told The Clarion-Ledger. ”If my momma made $100,000 a year, I wouldn’t be driving the truck that I’m driving. I would have had a vehicle a long time ago.” “I got a lot of trash talking by both schools on Facebook, but that didn’t have a lot to do with it. But when you start getting my mom involved and my family involved, that takes it to a whole another level.”All of this was taking place on his personal Facebook page.Facebook was suppose to be fun. It wasn’t suppose to be a place for personal attacks. Instead he found that he was constantly bullied in his own space.

Family issues are another common problem found amongst Facebook users. I have seen where family members get bent out of shape by comments made, or the lack of comments not made. Why? Are people so self-consumed that they think every post and or comment is relevant to them? Are we expected to scan through every post that all 500 of our friends make each and every day, and then comment on every one of those posts? Personally I think of it like texting–sometimes a text needs an answer and sometimes it doesn’t. But to take it personally or get angry because you think you are ignored on purpose is absurd. The family Facebook nightmare can become an enormous problem. It transcends the boundaries of the social networking world and overlaps into the real world thus causing more problems than it is worth.

Another common issue is the misunderstanding of posts or comments made. Some people have a dry sense of humor. Other people share every emotion that comes their way. Many times these posts are misunderstood, and can cause quite a stir. I have seen people attack others on Facebook because they take a comment that is intended to be humorous and turn it into something else. It can be difficult to decipher the underlining tones in the written word. Some people are not the best at communicating. When they write their thoughts they can come across as something other than they are. Other times, people communicate their thoughts extremely clearly, but some people just do not understand their humor. Either way, someone gets upset. What a nightmare.

So what is the solution? Do you ’un-friend’ people? Do you hide them? Do you deactivate your account? It is a personal choice. C.J. and many other Facebook users made the decision and signed off. I think it is all a balancing act. You have to decide whether the benefits outweigh the consequences. Know why you are there and set your boundaries. If you choose to participate, then don’t let the little things get to you. Find the balance in your life.

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